Dear Marissa,
How are you? I am fine, as things go. How was the upper mid-west? I hope your Christmas was great, or, at the very least, not terribly stressful.

Our dear Meg has brought it to my attention that you feel I should pass on the recipe for the cottage pie that I baked on that other great holiday, National Talk Like a Pirate Day. This will be difficult, since most stew-type things are largely improvised, left unrecorded, etc., but I will make an attempt. All measurements are estimates.

Ingredients:

• 2 cups TVP (texturized vegetable protein)
• 2 tsp. Onion Powder
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp paprika
• 1 tsp Worcester Sauce
• 2 tsp soy sauce
• 1/2 red wine
• some olive oil
• 1/2 lb sliced mushrooms
• 1 small onion, chopped
• 2 chopped carrots
• some (to taste, maybe one small) diced potatoes
• 2 Tbsp imitation beef stock (I have found some really cheap Mexican stuff that doesn’t actually contain beef, but has some good flavor; bullion will work, too)
• 1/2 cup pearled barley
• 1/2 red lentils
• 1/2 cup frozen or fresh peas
• 1 pastry pie crust or tube of refrigerator biscuits
• 1/2 cup cheddar cheese (I prefer Dubliner or Cabots, both of which are rennet free)
• 3 cups or so of mashed potatoes
• hot water as needed

Step 1, Prep the Protein: (nb: this is my standard imitation ground beef recipe. I also use it in chilli, and, with some sage, as the basis for my biscuits and gravy recipe) Mix the TVP, onion powder, garlic powder, paprika, Worcester sauce, soy sauce and wine. Add enough boiling water to just cover, stir and set aside to lest the TVP absorb the liquid.

Step 2, frying: in a pot, heat a little oil and add the sliced mushrooms and onion. After they are browned, add the protein mixture and stir fry it a bit. Add the chopped carrots and potatoes.

Step 3, stewing: add water (Wode Toad suggests stout or red wine) to cover, along with the fake beef stock, pearled barley and red lentils. Stir and bring to a bubble, then cover and allow this to simmer for 30 minutes or so, while you prepare the pie shell and mashed potatoes.

Step 4, shelling: of course, you don’t need this. The pie is actually OK without any crust, or, of course, you can actually bake a pastry pie shell. What I did was to buy the extremely flaky tube-biscuits, preheat the oven as directed, butter a pie tin or casserole, and then peal the biscuits as thin as I could and cover (line) the tin, putting them in the oven as directed and baking them until browned.

Step 5, mashing potatoes: my great, great grandmother made mashed potatoes for folks starting the Oregon Trail in Western Pennsylvania. It’s what made this country great.

Step 6, putting it all together: fill the pie tin with the stew, sprinkle with some sharp cheddar, Top with mashed potatoes, broil the top of the potatoes a bit, and there you go.

I hope this will do, and that it finds you well.
If you think of it, remind our mutual friend that she really could return the dish from the last cottage pie I made her.

Your friend,
Dr. Bear